Desk Jockey : Auto-Gawd !!!

Week -2 

Sucked it up and finally jumped head first into AutoCAD today, a software which according to me is the closest I’ll ever be to anything remotely Rocket Science Related. I had been  avoiding AutoCAD like the Plague, sticking to word, excel and PDF files. Couldn’t put it off anymore, finally decided to download the blessed thing. Asked around for a installer CD, nobody had one. all the senior engineers were using the old version and the newbies were still using the student version. So I go online and download the one month trial version so I can get started immediately.

Even my Laptop seemed surprised that I was downloading AutoCAD, It asked me thrice. It first asked me “ do you want to install AutoCAD 2016?” I said “Yes Please”. Then it asked me again “ errrr are you SURE you want to install AUTOCAD 2016 !!!!” I said “YES god damnnit !!!” . After a long painful silence punctuated with frequent arthritic whirring of the laptops cooling fan , it asked me “ Should we speak to the administrator and ask him if it’s ok?” I replied “you are MY Laptop you idiot, I am The Bloody Administrator, Now OBEY me and install the Bleeding Thing” The Laptop jumped to it and got busy doing its bidding , these Artificial Intelligence thingys need to be put in its place, else they will start travelling back in time and try assassinating a younger you, ask John Connor.

 When I told Boss/Dad I had the 2016 version he gave me a look which I translated to being a look of admiration, but deep down I know it was the exact same look he would give a monkey walking around with a MAC Pro book.

So heavily armed with the latest version of I ventured into the dense deep jungle of electrical drawings and Layouts. I felt like a caveman walking around with an AK-47. a caveman would be more prone to using the rifle as a club rather than fire it. Likewise I would be happy if I didn’t make an ass of myself by trying to use AutoCAD to download YouTube videos.

During the start up of software’s like AutoCAD and acrobat have this live commentary going on on what is happening, one of the lines I noticed during start up was  “Loading working environment “  I looked around me in awe half expecting my cubical to start turning into a AutoCAD suitable work environment. I am not sure what the use of the live commentary is, is it just to give the waiter/user some reading material to distract him from how long the loading process is. Or is it just to intimidate a person into believing there are too many complicated stuff happening beyond their comprehension so to quietly hit the X n go open a word document. Am not sure which one but both worked on me.

45 minutes into AutoCAD I now know two things, first is, hit “escape” the minute you click something and the color changes in the drawing. And secondly when in doubt close document and pretend like you never opened it in the first place in case someone asks. Every time I hit X to close the drawing AutoCAD asks me cheekily “ Do you want to save the changes you have made? ”, knowing full well that I have absolutely no idea what I am doing and there is no way in hell I would save anything I ever did.

 I might have impressed the tea delivery guy with all the colorful and serious looking drawings i seemed to always have open, when he  comes by with my coffee. But then again working for as long as he has in the office I wouldn’t be surprised if he tapped me on my shoulder and said “keep scroll wheel pressed to pan document”.

The Kind of Stuff I hope to use AutoCAD for. 

What I'll Probably End up Using it For.

Desk Jockey, Day:2

Day: 2

Woke up with the alarm and broke my own personal record of hitting the snooze button just three times. Woke up jumped into ma shoes and headed to the Club for a Run, The instructor did a double take when he saw me walking in to the Gym at 0730 in the morning. Looking around i noticed that the average age of the Gym was 83, gave myself one more future excuse to use on myself on why i shouldn’t come for a run in the morning. Having done my ritual stumbling on the treadmill headed home to Boot up for another day of Vinay in Solar Land

This is What True Love Looks Like!

Boss/Dad then showed me to my cubicle. My nesting instincts immediately kicked in and i set about personalizing it. After spending 15 minutes adjusting the Chair, changing the location of the laptop 4 times and designating a spot for my Dwight Shroot Bobble head (which i don’t yet own and also which i checked online immediately to ensure it is available). I spent another 10 minutes wrestling furiously with my laptop charging cord, Phone charger and the mouse USB cord, who after spending half an hour together in my bag, fell in love and swore they would never be separated without putting up a struggle to the death. i finally settled down to get some work done.

 Boss/Dad gave me a couple of reports of how to set up a Solar Power plant. Reading through (studiously ignoring all the big words, it was too early in the day to Panic) i realized that these files were all project reports submitted by various EPC firms, (EPC – Engineering procurement and construction. Impressed yet? )

 So I figured you want to do something and don’t know how. All you got to do is send out mails asking for a presentation and quote from a few folks with the know how. Take the first quote, Google all the big words, and then Google up some brand new bigger words and compile a Cheat sheet, most important  divide the project cost by two. Then Call the second quote giver and pretend you already know how to do it but not able to do it on your own because you are needed to act in the new star wars movie and   are doing a favour to them by letting them do the project. Offer to pay them half of what the first quote said. They are sure to immediately claim that they would not have any money to feed their children if they did it at that cost. Then you pretend to be Mother Teresa and increase it by 25%, bring in a third group if you are the Ménage a Trios kind.So and so forth, OR you could just use the report to do it yourself. wow !! it just took 2 days to turn me into some kind of evil corporate vulture. Fortunately Dad/Boss has better ethics and principles than me and made sure i did all the Technical research by myself and i have absolutely no corporate decision making role ( Damn it!! so much for taking notes while watching Wall Street or Wolf of Wall Street).

Met Mr. P who will be my immediate boss, he is in charge of the Electrical side of the Plant. I managed to look intelligent yet again with a lot of nodding and pursing of lips and narrowing of the eyes.Got discussing a few drawings, slowly was beginning to decipher the nomenclature used. I was swimming in the uncharted waters of electrical drawings, schematics and schedules. Amidst all the Greek and Latin, shocked myself by actually coming up with a reasonable solution for a small problem, got so excited that I immediately forgot what I said. Mr. P then asked me make the changes as per the idea. I have NO idea what to do. The trouble was when I was talking, I wasn’t listening, and then I got busy celebrating my new found Smartness. Nope!!  Absolutely NO idea.

The Accidental Desk Jockey!!

Current Situation:Unemployed, I first considered selling a Kidney, and then Dad made me an Offer of working for him. I thought about it and decided I shall keep my over sized jelly bean. I didn’t think my other kidney would be able to handle the pressure of working all by itself (Performance anxiety works for body parts too you know, my bladder is proof of that, It will be perfectly fine and humming along. The minute I get into a long distance bus, it suddenly realizes that it is at the point of exploding).
 So dad made me an offer I didn’t want to refuse, and I was now the newest entrant to the world of Desk Jockeys.(Triumphant and fanfare music,.... no?...oh alright move on.)

Dad is the MD of an organization which is setting up a solar power plant close to Madurai. He wanted me on board at the starting stage so I could start at the basics. I had a strong feeling he wanted me joining at this stage because this way I would inflict least damage on myself or on his Dream project.

So I walked into the office and was immediately whisked away to a meeting with BBA(name changed very badly and is fooling nobody, looks like no identities are going to be protected) whose work on site I was supposed to watch, coordinate with and supervise on behalf of the Company. Being introduced as the MD’s son helped and they couldn’t smell my ignorance immediately. I sat down and tried to look as important as I could manage to without making an ass of myself. I nodded intelligently, took notes , pursed my lips and even narrowed my eyes when spoken to. The works!!. BBA left the meeting either thinking that I am the newest threat to their company, or that I have severe constipation. Former would be better, but I suppose the latter is inevitable.

Was given a pile of files to read through and bring me up to stat with the project. I settled down and pulled out the top most file and started reading the first page. One hour and 2 files later I leaned back and decided the project files were not working so I looked around to make sure no one was looking and having established my reputation was going to be unharmed I Googled “ HOW DOES A SOLAR POWER PLANT WORK?”, realizing this might lead to advance level reading material i revised it to " WHAT IS SOLAR ENERGY".

If there is one subject I hated as much or slightly more than mathematics was electrical. In fact despite being a marine engineer and having to work on electrical equipments on a regular basis, and also have to study and give exams, I am still not sure how a current actually passes in a wire.

If I were asked to explain to a kid how a current passes through a conductor I would first take a deep breath and look for the closest exit,if i did end up talking to him about it, at the end of my talk he would probably end up thinking that electricity is the work of  fairies and elves and that Harry Potter is real. I would totally prefer giving the kid the talk about the bird and bees  .

I have been always lucky to have an electrical officer on board with me leaving me to focus on the mechanical side of things. If something electrical didn’t work I would first stare at it and alternately threaten or  plead for it to work, I would then poke it with a stick, if that didn’t work I would whack it between three to eighteen times, If it still didn’t work I would say the magic words “ Electrical Officer HHEEELLLPPP”.

The only time I had ever used Solar energy before was when I used a magnifying glass to burn a piece of paper. Unfortunately a power plant is slightly more complicated than that, and fortunately it turns it is not Rocket science either. So looks like I might be of some use to the company after all.
Survived day one, and I am actually excited about day two. Well Here Goes Nothing.

ATM Bomb !!!

Using an ATM here in Amareeka is boring. there is no flair, no drama , no fun. they have stuck an ATM machine just about anywhere they could. on a wall, corner of a building, even in the middle of a parking lot.Hell !! you can use the ATM without even having to unbuckle your seat belts. its just no fun.

Back home going to an ATM is almost a religious experience.the ATM machines are treated with reverence , they are enclosed in their very own individual shrines.like small temples to the god of wealth. they sit there  glowing in the bright cheerful lighting with promise of riches, like an oasis in a desert with better lighting and air condition though.

 If you are rolling your eyes saying I am being melodramatic! then sit down, take a load off. I am now going to school you on the step wise protocol of using an ATM.

Step 1 - Finding an ATM , sure there are plenty of ATM's the trick is to find one which works. and then when you do, ensuring you have met the VISA / MASTERCARD criteria is the next step (why can't they all just get along??!! )

Step 2 - Join the line and immediately memorize the Color of clothing of the person in front of you. vital step if you are going to be playing Angry birds or temple run, so when you look up between levels and see a different color in front of you switch immediately to Mel Gibson's Braveheart avatar and prepare to protect your ground . Peeing on the leg of the person in front of you to mark your territory is severely frowned upon.


Step 3 -  This step is where the you finally get to use the mathematics skills you acquired by solving those " If James can eat 3 apples in 4 hours how many apples can he eat in 29 minutes" problems from back in school. first count the number of people ahead of you [ X ] then  count the number of machines operational [ Y ] . next, time a person using the machine by counting Mississippily , convert the seconds to minutes [ t ]and then use the above information to calculate how long it will take for you to reach the machine [ T ]. This exercise not only keeps you from becoming impatient it also helps improve your IQ.  So you are calmer and also feel superior to the person standing in front of you staring at his phone. Mental Arithmetic Hell yeah !!... abacurse that Bi#@hes!!
 Okay back to business,here is the equation -
                                                                  T = ( (X * t /60) / Y )+ GD  
No no don't thank me i have always been this selfless and giving.

So T is the number of minutes you spend waiting for your turn, allowing you to plan the rest of your day with acute and precise planning. before you get all excited and carried away at your newly acquired knowledge and run to the closest ATM  clutching your card, let me  inform you about the constant i call "GD" , it is a very important constant without which you may end up having to constantly re calculate. GD is short for GOD DAMN!!! there will always be a few idiots in every line who will cause a pile up. they will either swipe the card the wrong way or too fast repeatedly, enter the wrong password, not have sufficient funds but still check three times because you never know at the third try the bank might feel bad for them and stuff a thousand bucks as a goodwill gesture, or you will have the one literary buff who will stand in front of the machine after the transaction and read every word printed on the receipt as if he was deciphering the secret coded answer to the meaning of life in that  tiny little piece of paper the machine scornfully spat out.

So look carefully at all the people standing in line front of you. No no you don't have to do a body language course to figure out who falls into the GD category. some basic tells are, holding the ATM card with two hands..... he is a newbie and does not know what he is doing . If he is reading the terms and conditions at the back of the card.... we have a reader here. If the person is restless, nervous or fidgety then all signs point to him not having money in the bank and is just trying his luck.

Step 4 -  Having arrived at the door, please tip toe past the sleeping security guard, do not make sudden movements or alarming noises, because that's the last thing you want to do is to startle a man with a gun whose only training with weaponry was to be informed which is the business end of a rifle  and which his end was.so exercise all caution as you would when trying to sneak past a dragon guarding a treasure.

Step 5 - Doing Pranayama or any other form of breathing exercise will help for this phase. when you have on an average of 15 people using a enclosed glass box per hour, the odds of one of them having a bad stomach and indiscriminately flatulent  is pretty high and by Murphy's law he will be one who uses the machine before you. so being able to hold your breath for extended durations helps.

Step 6 - Figure out if the Machine is a Push button or a touch screen. If you were pawing the screen thinking it was a touch screen then do not be embarrassed , nonchalantly pretend like you were cleaning the screen , pull out a hand kerchief and spray some on some Colin too on the screen to show conviction.

Step 7 - Pretend you are on Kaun Banega Crorepathi and answer all the questions like you were on the fastest finger first round.

Step 8 - On completion of the entire transaction , when asked if you require a receipt . press yes , on collecting the receipt crush it immediately and toss it into the waste basket without so much as looking at it.
Them trees are over rated anyways.(or are they??!)

 That folks is how to use an ATM. not drive in and  drive out.

My favorite part of using an ATM is all the drama that kicks in after typing the denomination and hitting enter, the dramatic silence which ensues. in That few seconds which stretch out agonizingly if you were low on funds, one rethinks their entire financial situation the guilt of not having started saving,anger at those impulsive buying spree and just when you have given up all hopes of getting any money, lo behold piercing the painful silence, is the metallic whirring, like a light dispelling darkness. the joyous whirring heralding the acceptance of your request and eminent arrival of cashhhhhhhhh!!! its like stepping into Vegas and winning on a slot machine everyday.

I did use an ATM to have a drink on a rainy night  a couple of times, but hey thats a story for another day ;)

Something Fishy !!

Fishing .... People really seem to take fishing pretty seriously here. I wandered into a sports shop the other day and was greeted with some hardcore equipments starting from some heavy duty boats to depth finders, sonars ,GPS , radio , tackle boxes , lures , rods , add in a automatic rifle and you have enough equipment to invade a small country , all this gadgetry to land a fish seems a little excessive , its like using the NASA server to update your status message on facebook. looks like the fishes are evolving into a smarter and more devious form too, hence the heavy artillery.

I suppose i could blame it on Mark Twain for putting the idea of fishing in my head, by painting those idealic pictures of Tom Sawyer and huckleberry Finn playing hokey from school and going fishing.

when I was kid I used to watch street urchins, string a fishing net across a storm water drain ( I call it a fishing net cos of its present functional usage , before the net turned into its present avatar of a fishing net it used to serve its primary purpose at keeping Mosquitoes at bay at nights, I wonder who the poor victim of this heinous Mosquito net related crime was , and pray he did not come down with malaria, i have also gotta add here that the storm water drains i mentioned weren't the squeaky clean types one gets to see in America where Travolta attended  drag races or Schwarzenegger chased down killer robots, this was a drain which was a mini Eco system in itself , filled with insects which ranked very high up on the disease charts ,algae had other forms of algae growing on it, the water was a pleasant shade of black and on a lucky day one got to see a bloated carcass of a dog floating by).

yes, back to the street urchins, I used to watch enviously as these Guys strung a net across the drain and came up with a handful of fishes , which they would safely deposit in a glass jar. This simple act blew my mind, I was hooked (pun unintended) I could not take my eyes away from them,the look of absolute joy and satisfaction on their faces was contagious , this was where my fascination for fishing began, I never did venture out into the drain to have a go at this wonderful sport with such a primal nature, but I knew for sure I would want to try it when I was older ,wiser and didn't have to take My mothers permission to venture out into the drains. I did buy the fishes off the urchins once though but ill save that story for another day.

Years went by and I got older and wised up enough to realize that venturing into the drains wasn't a very good idea ,but the enigma of fishing only grew stronger ,I was intrigued by the different types of fishing, not the trawling, dynamiting or mega sized fishing nets it had to be more one on one, more a man versus wild thing.

Picture borrowed (read stolen!)

 The Chinese fishing nets in the backwaters of Kerala, This i feel is the best example of Overkill..... its like constructing a intricate and complex device involving robotic arms ,motion sensors and titanium plates to kill a cockroach.... the catch was so miniscule compared to the engineering and thought that was required to build these nets. Hey don't judge me, but if i was building something that big or so cool looking i would want to catch me a whale. if they were really going to be catching that pitiful amount of fishes they might as well pull of their lungis and jump into the water i say!!

I was visiting Pondicherry  and did chance upon a lake with paddle boats for hire. so i did what any excited city slicker on a holiday would do....... I dutifully hopped on to one and paddled away. Suddenly i see a man in the distance standing in the middle of the lake..... no you read it right i will repeat with dramatic effects this time... i saw a man... standing... in the the Middle of the lake..... as i had never met Jesus Christ before i decided to paddled towards him and hoped to befriend and add him on my facebook. hey, doesn't hurt to have the son of god as your friend when its judgment day right?

so as i got nearer, i noticed that it wasn't a Jewish carpenter out for a walk on a lake but a Indian fisherman propped up on a vertical wooden log in the middle of the lake fishing using a rod (wooden stick). It was the coolest thing i had seen since i heard of ice fishing. i loved the concept. it seemed the purest form of fishing. a simple wooden stick, nylon rope, a steel hook, a wooden pole, and most important factor.... patience.
it seemed to me such a zen moment.
I approached the man slowly , he looked at me and gave me an annoyed look for scaring away the fishes. but i had to ask him a really important question so i braved past the scowl and paddled closer. i stopped paddling and allowed the boat to slowly drift towards him and finally bumped the pole. he looked down at me, the sun was behind him so it looked like he had a halo of brilliant light behind him, i looked up, squinted  and asked him in an almost reverent voice .... " Beedi irka ?" ( do you have a beedi? ).........
True story

I later did get to find out that these people plant the wooden poles in the lake during the summer seasons when water levels are much lower and they swim to these poles everyday, the catch is generally about half a dozen medium sized fishes for a afternoon of fishing.. Nevertheless This form of Old school fishing appealed to me.
  ( Picture only representative... this man did not give me a beedi )





I finally did get to try my hand at fishing few years later while I was sailing.
The vessel was anchored outside Malta waiting for clearance to enter Valleta harbor, was a pleasant Sunday afternoon when the big honchos decided to wind up for the day leaving us lesser important folks to hit the beer cans with a vengeance,after a couple of cans the worm of fishing was planted in out heads , thus began Operation Fishing , nylon threads were procured , hooks fabricated in a jiffy ( the workshop had never seen so many people actually working before) we all cast our lines and waited, not very patiently though. the beers flowed and time seemed to crawl, it didn't help that we kept pulling the line out of water to check if we had caught a fish every few minutes. we finally gave up in a couple of hours.
 But a few months later we tried again and this time with some very good tips given by our in house fishing experts, the Gujarati crew members who 9 out of 10 times were from Daman or Diu and were fishermen by birth and genetically engineered to catch fishes with annoying ease and nonchalance.
We were luckier this time and some people even caught some squids, though i must admit i have never landed a fish by myself, i would hold a line for 2 hours and nothing would happen....  I would hand the line to another person and within a few minutes he would have a fish at the end of the line. My chief officers 6 year old daughter landed more fishes than i did, my vegetarian Fifth Engineer was more successful than me (though he shrieked more than the lil girl if the fish touched him)
But i enjoyed it, the feel of staring out into the water lost in thought waiting for the bob to disappear, a chilled beer in hand and Creedence clearwater revival playing in the background.a Solitary Pursuit.

More ships were sailed on and  many more fishing sessions happened and i continued, my score undisturbed at a big zero, nevertheless always diligently trying. fished in the south china sea,bay of Bengal, Arabian sea, Indian ocean , Mediterranean sea ,North sea, black sea and even in the middle of the amazon too but still no luck. come to think of it i really don't know how i would react if one day the bob did disappear and i had a fish at the end of my line. Would i actually be able to reel it in?

I must admit though i only enjoy the hunt and not the kill. the thrill of fishing ends as soon as the fish is out of the water. and lies there glassy eyed tail twitching and staring into your soul. so i am all for catch and release. That is if i ever manage to catch one ... Ever!

Beer blues !!!!

..... I came ....... I stared ........ I left...... After staring long and hard at the screen for 15 minutes, I realized I had absolutely nothing to write about......
Guess that's what happens when you have not set foot on land for almost 2 months. Sigh !!!

In case you haven't guessed yet, i am back on high seas and am having a classic case of the blues (pun?aw shucks who cares if it was intended or not)
the yonder Indonesian islands tease me seductively with their blue hued mist covered mountains , the waves playfully tumbling on rocks like a bunch of puppies. And the trees gently swaying like in a trance. While I am stuck on a ship anchored miles away..... I am not sure if all this melancholic demeanor has something to do with the fact that I have been sober for way too long.

The last can of beer was last seen on the horizon 3 weeks back , and its been a dry and thirsty existence. I have fond memories of it as I lovingly pulled the tab back, heard the crisp click and watched the froth rush out like a well behaved wave on a beach, the pleasant numbing of my lips as they touched the edge of the ice cold can, the gurgling in my throat as the sunlight colored liquid rushed down , triggering a chain reaction in my body.
The epiglottis hurriedly shuts down the airway like a spanish official just before the running with bulls in Pamplona .The tongue yells out "yo Liver, incoming" the Liver who until now was introvertishly sulking in a corner contemplating the meaning of life and other heavy stuff is suddenly galvanized into action he enthusiastically rolls up his sleeves and with a song on his lips gets down to work. The stomach turns into one big water park party, everybody from pancreas to gall bladder is jumping in with hoops of joy, even the shy little appendicities jumps into a swim suit and heads out to party.
the heart churns out a mean beat on His turn table and the lungs are getting jiggly with it ala will smith style , the kidneys are slapping each other on the back and heading to the bar. The only organ which seems to be working now is the bladder who does not mind working overtime for a good cause. Even the reclusive esophagus decides to make an appearance, and looking at all this the brain has a contended smile on his face and looks on with a satisfied expression and decides to throw on a bright blue Hawaiian shirt and join the party.

.ahhhhh I miss those days, back when beer was bountiful and was just a stretch of the arm away ......... I am going to go and sulk for a little while now.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 

Is There a Googler In The House??!!

You know you are getting old when you start feeling pains in parts of your body you cant reach anymore.

I am a compulsive googler, i google everything from Sunny Leones earlier works in her movie carrer ( oh come on!! dont get all holier than thou on me, i am sure you did too, i am just honest enough to admit it) to how many stars are in the galaxy (100 Billion incase you were wondering, your welcome ) 

The older I get the wiser I have become, I don't click on the first suggestion Google churns out for my symptoms and start panicking, I am wiser now and open four or five different pages weigh my options and finally select the best diagnosis. Now that I am wiser I don't settle for the most convineant sounding ailment , I now have a few category's to be met, like fancy sounding names filed with medical terminologies with a glamorous background or cool sounding names "Achilles heal" , or even "tennis elbow". Why tennis elbow you ask ? , it's simple, when you tell somebody you have tennis elbow you are implying that you play tennis , which implies that you are athletic. It does not matter that you gave yourself tennis elbow by doing some chronic ear wax digging.

I blame Google for all the ailments that ail me.it has unfortunately gotten too easy for one to become a self proclaimed Google certified doctor. connecting the dots from symptom to disease is but now a few click away( a few painful clicks if you have carpal tunnel syndrome.where did I learn about carpal tunnel syndrome you ask ? i gave myself carpal tunnel syndrome while i was frantically  trying to find out how to give myself a back massage  ).

I have always wondered why doctors felt the need to display their degree certificate on the walls of their clinic. Now I understand , it is their way of saying " I went to medical school for 5 bloody years. I know more about your problem than what you can research on Google or Wikipedia so please keep your mouth shut and allow me to do my job".

Doctors initially had to deal with patients sneaking away from the prescribed treatment and trying home remedies. And then returning sheepishly in a worse off condition than they began with . Today doctors have to deal with google-fueled-smartarsess .not only do these guys steer away from their prescribed treatment and dosage half the time, they arrive at the doctors door after having unsuccessfully tried to cure a whole different non existing disease. Now the doctor has to deal with the problem in hand and the problems caused by the self medication.

Patient- doctor I have been noticing a abnormal growth on my forehead which is growing at an alarming rate could it be malignant poly tumor ?
Doctor - no Einstein,it is a pimple and if you stop touching it every 3 minutes it will stop growing.

Back home in India ,medical help comes in all shapes , sizes, budgets and even religion . From witch doctors to neurotic surgeon we have them all. here in the US medical help is sinfully expensive if you do not have an insurance. i was speaking to a friend of mine visiting on a tourist visa, and he happened to mention that he has been sick for a few days and is considering going to a doctor but didn't have a insurance coverage, i asked him to suck it up and cure it by swigging a bottle of whisky and sleeping for 36 hours, else he would have to sell a kidney to pay for the treatment of a common cold.

 I have spent more time researching the different pains radiating from my legs than actually running.

I now know that i can get Runners knee( Ilio Tibial Band Syndrome or Pattelofemoral Syndrome) ,Shin Splints( Medial Tibial Stress Syndrome) ,Plantar Fasciitis , Achilles Tendinopathy , Plica syndrome, Hip Burstis or Excercise Induced Compartment Syndrome and  almost scared myself into never running again.

Ilio Tibial Syndrome or Plantar Fasciitis sounds like something you would catch from recreational visits to the  shadier parts of the city but i assure you it is not.

I twisted my ankle a month back while running and while my wife was fussing all over me , I told her in my best Indiana jones voice, "don't sweat it luv,all I need is R.I.C.E" ... " Rest,Ice,Compression and Elevation" as she looked at me with admiration in her brown eyes , I didn't have the heart to tell her I learnt it from google while I was limping painfully back home. So google to the rescue I guess .

Makes you look smarter than you really are. 

 Its not long before the legendry sentence " is there a doctor in the house? there has been an emergency!!" will soon be replaced by "is there a googler in the house??!!". Don't be surprised if you see some smug idiot with smart phone step up and say " I know CPR, I just googled it." 

Sure google has that annoying habit of trying to guess what your looking for, keeps trying to tell you what you want before you finish your sentence(all you men,if you just had a sense of deja vu then you must be a married),But honestly speaking i really dont mind,you never know what you might find.its like sticking your hand into box of assorted cookies and not knowing what you might pick. i asked google four most elementry questions Who,How,When,Where and What google had a couple of interesting suggestions to make...

How to Boil an EGG??!! seriously??

 Google must be  high on Weed!!
excellent questions for a Pothead.

This is what i mean by intersting new finds i could
have been typing " what is quantum physics" but
now i going to discover what
Harlem Shake is !! win win if you ask me

Where is the Love indeed.
and off course where is Chuck Norris!!
Wouldn't you want to know ?

  

Google is the new age Jeeves.

In case you were wondering what a Harlem Shake is :)

http://www.youtube.com/embed/4hpEnLtqUDg?autoplay=1

War Pigs!!

The Pigs look like they are glutton for punishment dont they?(pun intended) first the wolf huffed and puffed and blew their houses down , and now birds with anger management issues are hell bent on knocking the stuffing out of them, time for a new war plan. they should try reading Sun Tzu's The Art of War ,or Patton's biography for that matter.

Da Vampire saga !!!

These are for my wife , who can't seem to get enough of vampires.she is a huge (bad puns ahead alert !!) sucker for these aliiumphobic pain in the necks. this ones for you Luv!! :) yeenzooyy.....

Running For My Life !!!!!!

I run 3 miles everyday, that is if you call red faced,gasping breathed ,desperate hopping meets frantic plodding as running.

I run on a nature trail which for most parts is away from the road, but is intersected by a few traffic lights, to save me the embarrassment i have learnt to pace myself, my running for most parts is as graceful as a giraffe with asthma running a three legged race.when i approach a cross walk(zebra crossing),my legs are so stiff that i waddle across like a penguin. I now time my self in such a way that 200 yards approach to and 200 yards after the cross walk  i am Usain bolt and a cheetah rolled into one, i leave the motorist waiting for their signal spell bound at how graceful and athletic i am. they see me whizz by head held proudly high, my legs taking long graceful leaps with amazing in air hang time(Michael Jordan would be proud of), nonchalantly slowing down at the signal, arrogantly looking on either side with a eagle like narrow eyes and cross the road with fluid momentum. if i were my own admirer i would swoon.
what they don't realize is that, exactly 2 minutes later this gazelle turns into a sloth and shuffles all the way to the next cross walk where he magically turns into a gazelle again. what they don't know is that arrogant look they see while i scope the road is nothing but blurred vision caused due to low oxygen supply and the sharp narrow eye is so that the sweat which is pouring out of my scalp does not enter my eye and set it on fire.

Why all the showmanship you ask?? I can't help it !!! its a involuntary action, i have no control over my brain!! its like fat men sucking in their stomach when a pretty lass walks by. or short men standing on their toes while talking to a taller person.

I started running while i was in Chennai a few years back at Railway Officers club where my dad is a member, i used to haunt its health club . you would generally find me breathlessly hanging on to a runaway treadmill or sulking underwater in the deep end of the pool. hanging out here was a big ego boost for me, as i was generally surrounded by middle aged women discussing the latest soap operas or men with globe shaped midriff walking languidly on the treadmill, the tennis courts had geriatrics playing a game of if-my-serve-makes-it-over-the-net-I-win. the more athletic sorts were shielded away from less athletic sorts by being enclosed in indoor badminton courts so as to not upset anyone or bruise any egos. so i was generally the toast of the joint with my laborious 5K exploits being considered the most effort anybodies ever put in and being skinny was enough to be called fit. i reveled in my skinniness until......

I landed here with the same brimming confidence and walked into the health club in the apartment complex i live in, only to find to my utter dismay it was filled with Greek gods and Godessess, the place seemed to be crawling with statues from some pillaged Greek temple. It was filled with people who hadno business being there.
 I found people twice my age pumping weights and running distances twice what i could even consider physically or for that matter remotely possible.everybody looked like they had just stepped out of the cover of a magazine.i kept looking around me to see if there were cameras around shooting a hip hop music video or holding the annual Mr. Universe competition. my entire workout regime was just a warm up for most people.
In my 3 mile run, the last mile is the hardest, i turn into a regular monica selles (in the grunting department) and the sweat is streaming down my face as if in a hurry to flow down to Somalia and solve the drought situation there. i am staggering all over the treadmill , my legs are protesting and threatening to give up any minute, my knees are turning into jelly. and my eyes are fixed to the distance meter pleading it desperately to go faster. by the end of it, i am a breathless mass of quivering flesh who feels like the test dummy of an juvenile acupuncture student.
On the other hand the sons and daughters of Apollo,Hercules and Athena in the gym barely seem to break a sweat.they in their fancy sports wear and even fancier sports drinks they saunter through their extensive and rigorous workout like they were taking a lazy walk on a beach even their hair didn't seemed to get disheveled , while i on the other hand looked like i just climbed up Mount Everest and came down on the other side using my face as the break.

If that wasn't bad enough the Gym overlooks the pool which is crawling with people who didn't look like they had ever lifted a dumbell in their life, but had a body which could be used to chisel diamonds with. they had cuts in parts of bodies where i have bumps and their Abs were stretched across their stomach as taught as a trampoline.this was too much for my fragile ego, crushed and mutilated i sneaked out when nobody was looking and decided to taking my running outdoors henceforth.

I am all for health clubs banning fit people from entering them.Now i understand why most Greek and Roman statues have been vandalized. . it was done by people with bodies like mine.

I took to running outdoors, i tell people that i did it because that is where the joy of running is and there are many beautiful nature trails here i can run on. but the truth is that i was driven outdoors in the heat and potential public embarrassment by the Da vinci's specimens of the perfect race infesting my Gym.

The View from on top of the hill was worth the effort!

Running outdoors was great, the trails were well marked and very scenic, some of the trails lead you through a forested area,and one beautiful trail takes you right up to the top of a hill giving a panoramic view of the entire countryside,there were few fellow runners, but ( if you have read my blogs before, you will have come to realize there is always going to be a "but" :) )  along came summer. The damn sun refuses to set till 8 at night,the heat wasn't a problem, for some one coming from between the tropic of cancer and equator a little heat never hurt, its the damn snakes.

I wonder if the Snakes
know about these rules?!

Summer seems to bring out the snakes from their cosy abodes, and lucky me to live in the area infested and famous for its RATTLE SNAKES!!!.
It takes a lot of will power to maintain an exercise regime, and believe me it does not help when you hear so many horror stories of snake siteings and bitings. fitness be damned, self preservation comes first.


My once de-stressing run slowly started turning stressful, while running these trails i am no longer focusing on my breathing , listening to music and reveling in the adrenalin rush. i am now searching furtively with darting eyes for snakes, i am constantly scanning the long grass on either side of the trail for reptiles. every time i hear a rustling noise , my heart leaps out of its place between my ribs and lodges itself in my throat  i have to swallow hard to send it back down. every time i see the grass move, i jump three feet in the air, the hair on the back of my head are at constant attention. i keep forgetting to breathe leaving my gasping for air every 20 yards.i would arrive home at the end of the run looking and feeling like messenger boy who just ran through a war zone and is in need of medical and psychiatric help.

enough sssssaid !!

 It was almost always rabbits,squirrels, wild turkeys or other smaller birds who would trigger the panic attack in me on these trails and the one time i did see a snake on the trail turned out to be a California King snake which Google informed me later was non venomous and make for great pets. i didn't know all that when i stumbled upon him, but didn't stay long enough to acquaint myself to him either, saw the snake , had a mini heart attack , turned and ran for my life in the opposite direction, venomous or non venomous i ain't trusting a snake. i did stay long enough to take a picture though. :) you have got to admit it makes for excellent Facebook posting material.




So driven outdoors by people, and driven back indoors by reptiles..... i suppose none of these Greek gods bite, so i am back safely on a treadmill running like a racehorse, no no not as fast as a racehorse, i run like a racehorse wearing blinders,looking straight ahead, so as not to be distracted by somebody bench pressing a 150 pounds or doing 200 squats or 250 crunches. volume on full high i run in my own world, a world where i am the center of the universe and there are statues of me in Greek temples.

Pretty much how i feel at the end of my run - ;) 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ES32UFlPOUA

Life iz A Beach !!!

The missus decided that it was about time i visited San Francisco, after the obligatory visit to the golden gate bridge she Whisked me off to this cosy Little nook of a beach called china beach. She told me it was a hidden beach and that not many people knew about it. Once we got there, judging from the number of cars in the parking lot, I realized it was one of the worst kept secrets, like Osama being in Pakistan ( too political an analogy you think).

Decided to leave a message for the aliens to read. :)

The best kicks in life are for free !!

Who does not love a good head rush ? The same after effects of 6 hours of drinking condensed into 3 seconds of sublime joy, minus the hangover , potential DUIs, and regretful drunken dials. And not to forget its ...FREEEEE and perfectly legal :) .

The best part is that it can never be induced, it's gotta hit you when you least expect it , the sudden wobbly knees, the total disorientation , frantic but slow motion clutching about for something to hold on to , the wave like rush of euphoria , and then gradually the room stops spinning and the legs regain their strength leaving no traces of a mini roller coaster ride save for a sheepish grin and a twinkle in ones eye..... Orgasm anyone ?!?

Dracula with dentures

how would you like it if Hitler and his band of Nazi hit squad (SS) were to be portrayed as Santa Claus and his merry elves? what if Hitler was portrayed as a funny,lovable and charming middle aged bachelor who loved nothing better to than curl up with a good book and a glass of wine after a busy day at the office, his 9-6 everyday (weekends included) consisted of ordering death squads, invading countries and systematically wiping out an entire race ( its a hard job, but hey!! somebodies gotta do it ) . yes the question still stands. how would you like it? i am guessing not very much.(if you do agree, then your folks did a very good job of smuggling you out of the bunker before the Russians invaded ) so do you consider this very inaccurate imagery an abomination? ..... yup!! guessed as much !! that's the exact same feeling i get when i see movies like the underworld, the twilight saga  and the vampire diaries series.

if i see a zombie i know what i need to do, i shoot it in the head and move on, nothing personal but that's the way it is. if i see a vampire i throw some holy water on it, and drive a wooden stake through its heart , what i don't do is  fall in love with it .

five years back i knew where to find a book on vampires in a library, it was in the horror section, today it has crawled its way into the romance and young adults section. is it just me or does that really suck (no pun intended) a few years back a vampire shows up on screen the background music would be haunting and spine chillingly spooky, today it is romantic and melodious. vampires stayed in creepy castles, and stayed indoors till sundown and then roamed the country side looking for a quick bite.(pun intended) what they didn't do is attend public school and worry about their prom dates or dresses.

since when did the vampires turn into the good guys!!! if Dracula were to see today's television shows or movies believe me he would be twisting and turning in his coffin(pun unintended), and i wouldn't be surprised if he downed a shot of holy water, chomped on garlic bread and drove a wooden stake through his own heart. my heart bleeds(pun?) for Dracula, centuries of working on the fear factor and his tireless pursuit of building a aura of fear around himself and his legacy all flushed down the drain by a bunch of pretty boys. poor count Dracula is now drowning his sorrows over bloody marys (one pun too many).

i blame Hollywood for this farce , what happened to the good old heroes, start the day fighting the Russians, cross the Sahara desert by lunch,rescue a impoverished Latin american country from an evil dictator by tea time and be back to sweep away a distressing damsel for dinner, dance and beyond (nothing like bed,bath and beyond, though the beyond might include a bed and a bath). what we need are less conflicting good guys, sure the hero was a bad arse in some movies, a total jerk, but by the middle of the movie it is proved that he has a heart of gold.these days the hero has no heart!!!
i wonder how much longer our senses are going to be inflicted with vampires masquerading as the good guys and us humans as the hapless extras and . the exact moment when i realized we hit rock bottom was when the eyesore of a movie " Abraham Lincoln: vampire hunter" made its appearance.

as if corrupting the vampires wasn't enough, they have gone and destroyed the enigma of werewolves too.
what could be better than a vampire movie you ask? how about a movie with both vampires and werewolves reply the producers!!. add to that a love triangle and its a movie you will cough up good money to see they exclaim. its a dogs life for the werewolf (pun intended) in the movie as the girl picks the cold hearted blood sucker over him. i suppose it was love at first bite (pun intended) for her.

what happened to the good 'ol witches Macbeth stumbled upon, when did they suddenly step out of the Victoria secrets catalog??!!! hey, if someone were to tell me there are witches in the forest i imagine crooked nosed old women with a hyena laugh bunched around a cauldron, not playboy bunnies in a slumber party.

there are now three kinds of vampires,werewolves or witches and they are....the Good ,the Bad and the Ugly.

Clint Eastwood didn't have to deal with all this confusion!!!





alien movies are fine, they come, they see, they destroy a few wonders of the world, zap a few hundred people and they diligently got their butts booted back to which ever planet/galaxy they came from at the end of the movie, even the ones that were human friendly couldn't wait to get back home, ask E.T., all he said since he learnt to speak was .." E.T. go home!!".

the future looks bleak for Van helsing and Buffy the vampire slayer, its not long before you will find Buffy working in Starbucks and mr Helsing putting his vampire killing skills to good use in the pest control industry.

i have one lingering question though...... if a vampire bites a zombie.... will the zombie turn into a vampire or will the vampire turn into a zombie??........................... uh oh !!! did i just give the Hollywood folks another movie making idea!!! hold it right there!! i am calling dibs on this idea!!!!..... i better see some deposits in my bank (the regular kind, not the blood bank) else somebody is gonna hear from my lawyer... he can be a pretty nasty pain in the neck...... (last vampire pun..... i swear!!)

PS- Fact not Fiction- "in march 2007, self proclaimed vampire hunters vandalized the grave of former Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic and staked his body into the ground by driving a stake into the grave. although the group involved claimed this act was to prevent Milosevic from returning as a vampire , it is not known wether those involved actually believed this could happen or if the crime was simply politically motivated"
Go Figure...................

Flyp Sided Thoughts!!

The wife was watching an episode of "the vampire diaries " ( not to be confused with the Bridget jones diaries,the only similarity both diaries have is that they are both a pain in the neck{pun intended}) and mentioned "these vampires have such high Fi phones , I have never seen them charge it!!" And suddenly it hit me ...... What's the gig with phones in movies and television. I have never EVER seen a single phone on charge!!. There has never been a single accurate representation of a phone!!!. One scene I have never seen is a character frantically rushing home to charge his phone or for that matter unplugging his phone from a charger on his way out!!.

I seem to see only two kinds of phone these days on television or movies , an iPhone or a flip phone.even Hollywood seems to have forsaken the good old NOKIA.
 I personally owned a flip phone for a very long time , the world moved on and switched to smart phones which could do everything except for lighting a cigarette (they should call them Swiss army phone knives), But I stubbornly stayed true to my beloved flip phone. i have now flipped, i mean switched to an iPhone , thanks to the generosity of the better half.
i have come to realize that owning an iPhone is pretty much the same thing as owning a dog..... you can not leave home without a charger(leash) and as soon as you arrive at your destination, the first thing you do is to find a plug point to charge the phone ( tie up the dog and feed it ), its smart, loyal and in case it is giving you too much trouble switch it off and then on again(chuck the dog out into the backyard) it's as good as new .and if it keeps freezing (falling sick) take it to a tech, ( vet).
after wiping the phone memory clean after a couple of unsuccessful attempts at adding a ring tone via i tunes. i decided to stick to the default ring tones in the phone. this worked out fine till i realized that every time a phone rings or a message is received by a character in the television, i dutifully check my phone.

There is something extremely melodramatic about the operation of a flip phone , lets take a tense scene in a movie, the scene is in a deserted shipyard , there is an eerie silence hanging in the air interrupted only by the squawking of sea gulls, there are two people framed by the graying sky, one of them is lying bruised and battered and the other protagonist is holding a gun with professional nonchalance to his head(not to his own head you fools). A phone rings , the gunman extracts a phone from his clothing with pin point accuracy and effortlessly flips it open , grunts in greeting, has a monosyllabic conversation , flips the phone shut with out as much as a goodbye , fires of the gun and walks away into the sunset.
Ok now if it was you are me in this exact same scenario , this is how the whole thing would have played out..... Lets start from the ringing of the phone shall we , cos in 9 out of 10 cases it would be us lying bruised and battered on the ground staring at the business end of a gun.
 So with out getting too technical lets jump directly to the point where I (us) am the gunman. The phone would ring, I would start groping around with my left hand first, then transfer the gun to my left hand and start frantically stabbing away into various pockets , the phone would continue ringing , getting louder by the minute ( Cos I was stupid enough to choose the ascending mode and also a embarrassing ringtone) finally I would stick the gun between my knees , stand in this weird half crouching half reverse bow legged stance and systematically but frantically start patting all my pockets starting from the top, finally the errant phone would be located,the phone would promptly try to escape when tried to be flipped with one hand and after a unimpressive desperate juggling session with one hand the slippery phone would finally be coerced to remain still, opened with both hands, and answered with a desperate sounding "hulloo".... This would be the proceeding conversation - "sorry!! Sorry couldn't find the phone .....hello? hullo?? can you hear me?? ....... yes yes i can hear you,can you hear me?............ damn network is bad.... sorry come again........ suit him? ...... loot him???.....ohhh!! shoot him !! ok ok i got it....S as in Singapore,  shoot him.... ok i'll call you back........ yes i do have a gun.......... off course it is loaded!!!......... yes yes the safety is off...... hang up goddamnit so i can shoot him now....... NO NO i am not going to hang him!!! i am asking you to hang up so i can shoot him.... bye........ yes bye...... you want what???!!!......sighh.... regular or non fat?........"

it is most definitely asking for too much off the gentleman to patiently lie still while this conversation goes on, if he hadn't already scooted like a rabbit while i was looking for the phone , he would most definitely propel himself like a human battering ram and knock me off my feet while i am walking around in errant circles trying to get a better signal,with a finger stuck in my other ear . it would definitely not be me walking into the sunset.

lesson learnt so far....... use a hands free for gods sake, flip phones are not best used when palms are sweaty!!! either that or use a carrier pigeon.

Sony Ericsson Z550i

i miss my flip phone though, a sony ericsson Z550i . it was of the generation when the phones weren't smarter than its owners. where all forms of problems were solved by simply removing the battery and putting it back. they came from a generation where phones weren't feather light , they stayed in your pockets as snug as a brick would feel in your pocket, so you would know exactly where your phone was. and in case you stepped out feeling light footed and as if the weight of the world wasn't on your shoulders anymore, it only means you have forgotten to carry your brick... i mean phone.
but the most important functional use of it was..... if you were attacked by someone you could hurl it at them, and the damn thing could do some serious physical damage such as dent the skull or give the attacker a bleeding nose, distracting them long enough for you make your escape.

but on the flip side (pun unintended) now that i have been bit by the smart phone bug, i don't think i want to go back, that would be like trading a machine gun for a blunt wooden club.
 i like it that my phone is smarter than me, i feel almost cavemanish without it.
 if you were to ask Sashi kapoor today "theree paas kya hai? haaiin ??", he would have replied .............
 "mere pass iPhone hai !! "..........








   

The Best Time Saving Invention Of Today is TOMMORW !!!

Video may have killed the Radio Star...... but Television killed everybody else!!! 

The Creeping Left Foot !!!

(part 2 of a two part blog, i recommend you read the previous blog "driving in indiyeah for dummies" before you read this)

my migration from India to the land of Bush legacy (not to be confused with Bourne legacy) has been something similar to the age old adage " From the frying Pan ,and into the Fire!!! "

I was bold and fearless back home, here...... i am scared shitless!!!!!
I was knight rider and street hawk rolled into one, here..... i am barney from the Flintstones!!

i was prepared for the left hand drive, i was introduced to the concept of the steering wheel on the wrong side of the car on one drunken night in greece, after pulling a all night session of liver bashing, we decided to take a cab back to the ship, after negotiating with the driver i walked to the cab and opened the front passenger side door, only to be greeted with a steering wheel. the cabbie walked up to me , put his hands arms around my shoulder and said " no,no I'll drive, your paying me for it,remember?" and led a very surprised yours truly to the other side.

the wife and me went out for a drive a week back, the weather was beautiful, the streets were empty, she pulled into a secluded  road,stopped the car and looked at me and said the four most beautiful words i wanted to hear " do you wanna drive?" i jumped out of the car,leapfrogged over the hood and was hammering at her door even before she could say "auto transmission".
once i deposited myself behind the wheels, adjusted the car seat and popped the clutch, but all my left feet met was thin air. i stabbed around a few more times and stared at the empty space, did a mental reverse A B C checklist, A- accelerator...B- brake and C- .....??!!?? my jaw dropped, then i remembered she drives an auto. (not an auto rickshaw you fools,an auto transmission). i panicked !! to hide it from her i adjusted my eyebrows in the rear view mirror, and swallowed the urge of screaming " somebody stole your clutch !!!!!!"

after regaining my composure, i took a deep breath and prepared myself to be further shocked at the gear shift department, and was greeted with P, D, N and R. looked simple enough to me. so feeling a lot more confident and having partially regained my uber cool demeanor , i floored the break and reached to the ignition to give the key a tweak. my fingers splayed on the dashboard stupidly.... my lower jaw dropped (again). i was greeted with a smug looking orange start/stop button!!! push buttons are no fun!!! its as satisfying as  firing a cannon with a remote control !!! the hiss of the torch,the fizz of the fuse and finally the KABBOOMMM of the cannon. a car needs to be started with a key, tweaking the key gives one the physical satisfaction of being mechanically involved with the process. i gingerly touched the button and the car purred to life. and i pulled my fingers back very unsatisfied.

the wife gave me a run down on lanes , stop signs and speed limits. so a nervous but happy me slid the gear shift into drive and pulled away from the curb and rolled on down the road, i decided to test the brakes and almost sent my wife through the windshield, i have got to add here that my last car had brakes which needed a 5 seconds notice  period to bring the car to a stop and you have to stand on top of the pedal with every bit of you body weight, so out of force of habit, i did the same and my wife did a very good impersonation of a crash test dummy.

things were going fine, but my left foot, who feeling very left out in the driving process decided to get in on the action and decided to plant itself on the brake pedal, so every time i approached a stop sign the wife would do her impersonation of a crash test dummies, which was a lot more dramatic cos she has long hair and a well developed vocal chords. i had to make a physical effort to extract my creeping left foot away from the brake pedal , but that evil bunch of bones and tendons would creep his way back. it was going to take a lot more than sending brain impulses to the left foot to stop this diabolical creeping, so i made a mental note to self to bring a rope next time and securely tie my left foot to the side rear view mirror.

i thought i was doing a fairly good job of it and was allowing myself a bit of cockiness by driving with one hand, and the wife exclaims " you are too slow " i stare at her with my jaws open (again) and exclaimed " but i am doing 55 mph!!! thats like 90 kmph !!!!" and she says "you are in a 65 mph speed zone, you need to go faster else you are going to get hauled up by the cops".
when my mom was learning to drive a car i used to keep telling her "mom, there is one simple rule to driving - when in doubt,go slow,you can't do any damage when your slow" ..... so much for that rule!!!

then my poor wife , as if she hadn't already had enough with my braking and snail like pace, had to keep reminding me to stay in a single lane, i would yell desperately "but i am in the lane" she would reply "no you are not, your in two lanes at the same time"  i scientifically inferred it as a case of the refraction caused by the curvature of the windscreen but my wife did not share my opinion and said it was caused due to bad driving skills. from the passenger seat of the car, the lanes look like wide parallel lines guiding you, but from the drivers seat they look like two converging lines rushing at you.
I then proceeded to have  my fast attack of claustrophobia between two white lines on a 6 lane wide, open and deserted road.
who ever thought driving in a straight line was going to be so difficult!!!!!!.

i finally gave up, and sheepishly went back to the safe and cosy confines of the passenger seat , while my wife drove at 70 mph, perfectly between lanes checking her facebook,gmail and instagram on her phone every second minute,fiddling with her navigation device and talking all the while looking straight at me, while i stared at her wondrously with my mouth open (again).

mind you i have been driving since i was 17 years old, and a have more than a fair bit of tar time under my belt. but i wasn't prepared for this.
i now have to unlearn 16 years of driving and relearn everything from scratch. !!!

" sweetheart.... what is that thingy near the door?" ...." the hand brake?!!!!!!!!" ............ i give up !!!!!!!!!

Driving In INDiyeah For DUMMIES!!

(This  first started off as an introduction for my main content, but then i got a tad carried away,so i am turning this into a prequel for my next blog)


let me start off with giving you a little background information on how one drives where i am from ,
first you approach the car from the side and never from the back so as to not startle all that horsepower under the hood.  (OK, OK that was a bad joke, give me a break will you, its Monday morning)

The walk towards the car is as important as driving itself, there are two versions of it, both of which you will be thrilled to know, i will touch upon now.

the first approach is the "on-the-way-to-work-outta-my-way-else-recession-will-set-in", in this one has to walk briskly with long strides, never ever run cos then it will be perceived as the "shit-shit-shit-I-am-LATE" approach, so long jaunty steps. a laptop bag slung casually to the point of slipping off,on one shoulder, a bunch of papers in one hand (neatly stacked) the head tilted to one side with a phone wedged between the ear and shoulder.and the other hand snugly in the pocket. always speak in monosyllables.

the next approach is the "worked-hard-will-party-harder-smugly-full-of-myself", in this the stride has to be more of a shuffle, slow and unhurried , both hands snugly tucked away in to the pockets. the head to be held at a cocky angle, pursing of the lips is allowed, but chewing on the lower lip to peal away layers of dry skin is frowned upon.

you can also customize or tweak the approach but provided you retain the salient features of it, my personal signature style being the " BRUCE  LEE NOSE FLICK" before i open the car door. if you don't know what that means then you have never entered the dragon or faced a fist of fury. Hiiyyyaaa !!!

once you have arrived at the car, do a 5 second external inspection of the car, it should look like you know what your are looking for, but in reality check to see if the neighbors dog peed on your tires or a crow was attempting a post modern monochrome work of art on your windshield.
enter the car , adjust the rear view mirror and take a good look at yourself ( please refrain from saying things like "today is my day!!" or "you hunk you!!")

after you have adjusted all three mirrors to face you, so you have a 3D view of yourself (i personally recommend a side profile view its far more flattering). pop the clutch, shift the car into first gear, start up the engine. mind you at this point , keep the clutch pressed and rev up the car to a thundering crescendo of screaming pistons a few times. to the uninitiated this practice may pass off as warming up of the engines, in truth it is just that we drivers love to hear the sound of our engines and when you stay in a tropical climate where it never drops below 30' C warming up of the engine is a moot point. There is also the off chance that one of these days you might manage to startle your neighbor into dropping his pipping hot coffee all over himself with your revving :).

after a satisfying session of sound checks. floor the accelerator and release the clutch, hurling your car into the road, if you hear a SCREECH of tires and a CRASH!, don't bother looking its just one of those slow drivers who you just cut off. the changing of the gears from the 1st to the 5th is left to ones personal choice which could vary from "need for speed" style to "driving miss daisy" style.

when approaching a intersection feel free to use either of the indicators in any direction, the indicator need not match the direction of the turn,cos nobody is watching your indicators they are all to busy trying very hard not to run over any pedestrians and trying even harder not to get blindsided by a government bus.
one IMPORTANT tip here would definitely be ..." in case the car in front of you suddenly vanishes out of sight, do not panic (irrespective of what you saw on X-Files) do not panic, slow down, turn sharply in either direction and drive past the sink hole masquerading as a pot hole"

 For personal convenience don't be too bothered by LANE DISCIPLINE ,lanes are painted on the roads so you can use it as a scale of measurement when you are trying to judge if you can squeeze in between two buses or three auto rickshaws.
 do not be surprised if somebody decides to take a U-turn from the left extreme lane of the road from under your nose, don't let this upset you, simply stand on your brake which is sure to cause to a chain reaction of breaks in the vehicles behind you, let him pass and politely wish him a pleasant stay in hell.

NEVER ever TALK ON THE PHONE while driving, cos it will distract you from yelling at other drivers,pedestrians and auto rickshaw drivers. which is an integral part of driving on Indian roads. A drive on Indian roads is incomplete if you haven't questioned the parentage of a few fellow motorists and had a few similar query's thrust on you, accompanied with musical cacophony of your horn
 ( paaan...paaan...paaaaaaaaaaaaaannn!! being the popular melody).

ALWAYS LOOK INTO THE REAR VIEW MIRRORS while making a turn, cos the change in direction of the car might change the wind direction thus upsetting your hair style.

speed limit you ask ? whats that? i ask in return, it can range anywhere between -15 kmph to 130 kmph depending on whether your choice of transportation is a auto rickshaw or a shiny new Merc. the speed limts are only a technicality not to be taken too seriously.
so basically what you have learnt so far is to drive like your father owns the road.

oohhh how i miss the chaos and madness of it all !!!  siiighhhhhhhhh !!
 there was so much order in all that chaos, it was like, bad drivers of the world unite' !! it was the Utopia for bad drivers !! I belong there..... sighhhhhhh.


PS- you will notice that i haven't touched upon the subject of two wheeler's(deep breaths, deep breaths), they are a necessary evil, like snakes , locusts , house flies and ..... wait a minute !!! none of them are necessary,......they are all pure EVIL!!!damn those 2 wheeled menaces !!!