Driving In INDiyeah For DUMMIES!!

(This  first started off as an introduction for my main content, but then i got a tad carried away,so i am turning this into a prequel for my next blog)


let me start off with giving you a little background information on how one drives where i am from ,
first you approach the car from the side and never from the back so as to not startle all that horsepower under the hood.  (OK, OK that was a bad joke, give me a break will you, its Monday morning)

The walk towards the car is as important as driving itself, there are two versions of it, both of which you will be thrilled to know, i will touch upon now.

the first approach is the "on-the-way-to-work-outta-my-way-else-recession-will-set-in", in this one has to walk briskly with long strides, never ever run cos then it will be perceived as the "shit-shit-shit-I-am-LATE" approach, so long jaunty steps. a laptop bag slung casually to the point of slipping off,on one shoulder, a bunch of papers in one hand (neatly stacked) the head tilted to one side with a phone wedged between the ear and shoulder.and the other hand snugly in the pocket. always speak in monosyllables.

the next approach is the "worked-hard-will-party-harder-smugly-full-of-myself", in this the stride has to be more of a shuffle, slow and unhurried , both hands snugly tucked away in to the pockets. the head to be held at a cocky angle, pursing of the lips is allowed, but chewing on the lower lip to peal away layers of dry skin is frowned upon.

you can also customize or tweak the approach but provided you retain the salient features of it, my personal signature style being the " BRUCE  LEE NOSE FLICK" before i open the car door. if you don't know what that means then you have never entered the dragon or faced a fist of fury. Hiiyyyaaa !!!

once you have arrived at the car, do a 5 second external inspection of the car, it should look like you know what your are looking for, but in reality check to see if the neighbors dog peed on your tires or a crow was attempting a post modern monochrome work of art on your windshield.
enter the car , adjust the rear view mirror and take a good look at yourself ( please refrain from saying things like "today is my day!!" or "you hunk you!!")

after you have adjusted all three mirrors to face you, so you have a 3D view of yourself (i personally recommend a side profile view its far more flattering). pop the clutch, shift the car into first gear, start up the engine. mind you at this point , keep the clutch pressed and rev up the car to a thundering crescendo of screaming pistons a few times. to the uninitiated this practice may pass off as warming up of the engines, in truth it is just that we drivers love to hear the sound of our engines and when you stay in a tropical climate where it never drops below 30' C warming up of the engine is a moot point. There is also the off chance that one of these days you might manage to startle your neighbor into dropping his pipping hot coffee all over himself with your revving :).

after a satisfying session of sound checks. floor the accelerator and release the clutch, hurling your car into the road, if you hear a SCREECH of tires and a CRASH!, don't bother looking its just one of those slow drivers who you just cut off. the changing of the gears from the 1st to the 5th is left to ones personal choice which could vary from "need for speed" style to "driving miss daisy" style.

when approaching a intersection feel free to use either of the indicators in any direction, the indicator need not match the direction of the turn,cos nobody is watching your indicators they are all to busy trying very hard not to run over any pedestrians and trying even harder not to get blindsided by a government bus.
one IMPORTANT tip here would definitely be ..." in case the car in front of you suddenly vanishes out of sight, do not panic (irrespective of what you saw on X-Files) do not panic, slow down, turn sharply in either direction and drive past the sink hole masquerading as a pot hole"

 For personal convenience don't be too bothered by LANE DISCIPLINE ,lanes are painted on the roads so you can use it as a scale of measurement when you are trying to judge if you can squeeze in between two buses or three auto rickshaws.
 do not be surprised if somebody decides to take a U-turn from the left extreme lane of the road from under your nose, don't let this upset you, simply stand on your brake which is sure to cause to a chain reaction of breaks in the vehicles behind you, let him pass and politely wish him a pleasant stay in hell.

NEVER ever TALK ON THE PHONE while driving, cos it will distract you from yelling at other drivers,pedestrians and auto rickshaw drivers. which is an integral part of driving on Indian roads. A drive on Indian roads is incomplete if you haven't questioned the parentage of a few fellow motorists and had a few similar query's thrust on you, accompanied with musical cacophony of your horn
 ( paaan...paaan...paaaaaaaaaaaaaannn!! being the popular melody).

ALWAYS LOOK INTO THE REAR VIEW MIRRORS while making a turn, cos the change in direction of the car might change the wind direction thus upsetting your hair style.

speed limit you ask ? whats that? i ask in return, it can range anywhere between -15 kmph to 130 kmph depending on whether your choice of transportation is a auto rickshaw or a shiny new Merc. the speed limts are only a technicality not to be taken too seriously.
so basically what you have learnt so far is to drive like your father owns the road.

oohhh how i miss the chaos and madness of it all !!!  siiighhhhhhhhh !!
 there was so much order in all that chaos, it was like, bad drivers of the world unite' !! it was the Utopia for bad drivers !! I belong there..... sighhhhhhh.


PS- you will notice that i haven't touched upon the subject of two wheeler's(deep breaths, deep breaths), they are a necessary evil, like snakes , locusts , house flies and ..... wait a minute !!! none of them are necessary,......they are all pure EVIL!!!damn those 2 wheeled menaces !!!