ATM Bomb !!!

Using an ATM here in Amareeka is boring. there is no flair, no drama , no fun. they have stuck an ATM machine just about anywhere they could. on a wall, corner of a building, even in the middle of a parking lot.Hell !! you can use the ATM without even having to unbuckle your seat belts. its just no fun.

Back home going to an ATM is almost a religious experience.the ATM machines are treated with reverence , they are enclosed in their very own individual shrines.like small temples to the god of wealth. they sit there  glowing in the bright cheerful lighting with promise of riches, like an oasis in a desert with better lighting and air condition though.

 If you are rolling your eyes saying I am being melodramatic! then sit down, take a load off. I am now going to school you on the step wise protocol of using an ATM.

Step 1 - Finding an ATM , sure there are plenty of ATM's the trick is to find one which works. and then when you do, ensuring you have met the VISA / MASTERCARD criteria is the next step (why can't they all just get along??!! )

Step 2 - Join the line and immediately memorize the Color of clothing of the person in front of you. vital step if you are going to be playing Angry birds or temple run, so when you look up between levels and see a different color in front of you switch immediately to Mel Gibson's Braveheart avatar and prepare to protect your ground . Peeing on the leg of the person in front of you to mark your territory is severely frowned upon.


Step 3 -  This step is where the you finally get to use the mathematics skills you acquired by solving those " If James can eat 3 apples in 4 hours how many apples can he eat in 29 minutes" problems from back in school. first count the number of people ahead of you [ X ] then  count the number of machines operational [ Y ] . next, time a person using the machine by counting Mississippily , convert the seconds to minutes [ t ]and then use the above information to calculate how long it will take for you to reach the machine [ T ]. This exercise not only keeps you from becoming impatient it also helps improve your IQ.  So you are calmer and also feel superior to the person standing in front of you staring at his phone. Mental Arithmetic Hell yeah !!... abacurse that Bi#@hes!!
 Okay back to business,here is the equation -
                                                                  T = ( (X * t /60) / Y )+ GD  
No no don't thank me i have always been this selfless and giving.

So T is the number of minutes you spend waiting for your turn, allowing you to plan the rest of your day with acute and precise planning. before you get all excited and carried away at your newly acquired knowledge and run to the closest ATM  clutching your card, let me  inform you about the constant i call "GD" , it is a very important constant without which you may end up having to constantly re calculate. GD is short for GOD DAMN!!! there will always be a few idiots in every line who will cause a pile up. they will either swipe the card the wrong way or too fast repeatedly, enter the wrong password, not have sufficient funds but still check three times because you never know at the third try the bank might feel bad for them and stuff a thousand bucks as a goodwill gesture, or you will have the one literary buff who will stand in front of the machine after the transaction and read every word printed on the receipt as if he was deciphering the secret coded answer to the meaning of life in that  tiny little piece of paper the machine scornfully spat out.

So look carefully at all the people standing in line front of you. No no you don't have to do a body language course to figure out who falls into the GD category. some basic tells are, holding the ATM card with two hands..... he is a newbie and does not know what he is doing . If he is reading the terms and conditions at the back of the card.... we have a reader here. If the person is restless, nervous or fidgety then all signs point to him not having money in the bank and is just trying his luck.

Step 4 -  Having arrived at the door, please tip toe past the sleeping security guard, do not make sudden movements or alarming noises, because that's the last thing you want to do is to startle a man with a gun whose only training with weaponry was to be informed which is the business end of a rifle  and which his end was.so exercise all caution as you would when trying to sneak past a dragon guarding a treasure.

Step 5 - Doing Pranayama or any other form of breathing exercise will help for this phase. when you have on an average of 15 people using a enclosed glass box per hour, the odds of one of them having a bad stomach and indiscriminately flatulent  is pretty high and by Murphy's law he will be one who uses the machine before you. so being able to hold your breath for extended durations helps.

Step 6 - Figure out if the Machine is a Push button or a touch screen. If you were pawing the screen thinking it was a touch screen then do not be embarrassed , nonchalantly pretend like you were cleaning the screen , pull out a hand kerchief and spray some on some Colin too on the screen to show conviction.

Step 7 - Pretend you are on Kaun Banega Crorepathi and answer all the questions like you were on the fastest finger first round.

Step 8 - On completion of the entire transaction , when asked if you require a receipt . press yes , on collecting the receipt crush it immediately and toss it into the waste basket without so much as looking at it.
Them trees are over rated anyways.(or are they??!)

 That folks is how to use an ATM. not drive in and  drive out.

My favorite part of using an ATM is all the drama that kicks in after typing the denomination and hitting enter, the dramatic silence which ensues. in That few seconds which stretch out agonizingly if you were low on funds, one rethinks their entire financial situation the guilt of not having started saving,anger at those impulsive buying spree and just when you have given up all hopes of getting any money, lo behold piercing the painful silence, is the metallic whirring, like a light dispelling darkness. the joyous whirring heralding the acceptance of your request and eminent arrival of cashhhhhhhhh!!! its like stepping into Vegas and winning on a slot machine everyday.

I did use an ATM to have a drink on a rainy night  a couple of times, but hey thats a story for another day ;)