The Creeping Left Foot !!!

(part 2 of a two part blog, i recommend you read the previous blog "driving in indiyeah for dummies" before you read this)

my migration from India to the land of Bush legacy (not to be confused with Bourne legacy) has been something similar to the age old adage " From the frying Pan ,and into the Fire!!! "

I was bold and fearless back home, here...... i am scared shitless!!!!!
I was knight rider and street hawk rolled into one, here..... i am barney from the Flintstones!!

i was prepared for the left hand drive, i was introduced to the concept of the steering wheel on the wrong side of the car on one drunken night in greece, after pulling a all night session of liver bashing, we decided to take a cab back to the ship, after negotiating with the driver i walked to the cab and opened the front passenger side door, only to be greeted with a steering wheel. the cabbie walked up to me , put his hands arms around my shoulder and said " no,no I'll drive, your paying me for it,remember?" and led a very surprised yours truly to the other side.

the wife and me went out for a drive a week back, the weather was beautiful, the streets were empty, she pulled into a secluded  road,stopped the car and looked at me and said the four most beautiful words i wanted to hear " do you wanna drive?" i jumped out of the car,leapfrogged over the hood and was hammering at her door even before she could say "auto transmission".
once i deposited myself behind the wheels, adjusted the car seat and popped the clutch, but all my left feet met was thin air. i stabbed around a few more times and stared at the empty space, did a mental reverse A B C checklist, A- accelerator...B- brake and C- .....??!!?? my jaw dropped, then i remembered she drives an auto. (not an auto rickshaw you fools,an auto transmission). i panicked !! to hide it from her i adjusted my eyebrows in the rear view mirror, and swallowed the urge of screaming " somebody stole your clutch !!!!!!"

after regaining my composure, i took a deep breath and prepared myself to be further shocked at the gear shift department, and was greeted with P, D, N and R. looked simple enough to me. so feeling a lot more confident and having partially regained my uber cool demeanor , i floored the break and reached to the ignition to give the key a tweak. my fingers splayed on the dashboard stupidly.... my lower jaw dropped (again). i was greeted with a smug looking orange start/stop button!!! push buttons are no fun!!! its as satisfying as  firing a cannon with a remote control !!! the hiss of the torch,the fizz of the fuse and finally the KABBOOMMM of the cannon. a car needs to be started with a key, tweaking the key gives one the physical satisfaction of being mechanically involved with the process. i gingerly touched the button and the car purred to life. and i pulled my fingers back very unsatisfied.

the wife gave me a run down on lanes , stop signs and speed limits. so a nervous but happy me slid the gear shift into drive and pulled away from the curb and rolled on down the road, i decided to test the brakes and almost sent my wife through the windshield, i have got to add here that my last car had brakes which needed a 5 seconds notice  period to bring the car to a stop and you have to stand on top of the pedal with every bit of you body weight, so out of force of habit, i did the same and my wife did a very good impersonation of a crash test dummy.

things were going fine, but my left foot, who feeling very left out in the driving process decided to get in on the action and decided to plant itself on the brake pedal, so every time i approached a stop sign the wife would do her impersonation of a crash test dummies, which was a lot more dramatic cos she has long hair and a well developed vocal chords. i had to make a physical effort to extract my creeping left foot away from the brake pedal , but that evil bunch of bones and tendons would creep his way back. it was going to take a lot more than sending brain impulses to the left foot to stop this diabolical creeping, so i made a mental note to self to bring a rope next time and securely tie my left foot to the side rear view mirror.

i thought i was doing a fairly good job of it and was allowing myself a bit of cockiness by driving with one hand, and the wife exclaims " you are too slow " i stare at her with my jaws open (again) and exclaimed " but i am doing 55 mph!!! thats like 90 kmph !!!!" and she says "you are in a 65 mph speed zone, you need to go faster else you are going to get hauled up by the cops".
when my mom was learning to drive a car i used to keep telling her "mom, there is one simple rule to driving - when in doubt,go slow,you can't do any damage when your slow" ..... so much for that rule!!!

then my poor wife , as if she hadn't already had enough with my braking and snail like pace, had to keep reminding me to stay in a single lane, i would yell desperately "but i am in the lane" she would reply "no you are not, your in two lanes at the same time"  i scientifically inferred it as a case of the refraction caused by the curvature of the windscreen but my wife did not share my opinion and said it was caused due to bad driving skills. from the passenger seat of the car, the lanes look like wide parallel lines guiding you, but from the drivers seat they look like two converging lines rushing at you.
I then proceeded to have  my fast attack of claustrophobia between two white lines on a 6 lane wide, open and deserted road.
who ever thought driving in a straight line was going to be so difficult!!!!!!.

i finally gave up, and sheepishly went back to the safe and cosy confines of the passenger seat , while my wife drove at 70 mph, perfectly between lanes checking her facebook,gmail and instagram on her phone every second minute,fiddling with her navigation device and talking all the while looking straight at me, while i stared at her wondrously with my mouth open (again).

mind you i have been driving since i was 17 years old, and a have more than a fair bit of tar time under my belt. but i wasn't prepared for this.
i now have to unlearn 16 years of driving and relearn everything from scratch. !!!

" sweetheart.... what is that thingy near the door?" ...." the hand brake?!!!!!!!!" ............ i give up !!!!!!!!!