HoRRorScope !!!

Astrologers and meteorologists are a lot alike , nobody takes them seriously , if they predict wrong nobody cares cos u never believed in them anyways , and if they predicted correct then they don't get due credit cos fate walks away with it.

But that does not stop us from checking our horoscope in the newspaper everyday for the kicks of it. I mean which single guy (single for lack of opportunity and not by choice) does not like to read "prospects of finding love" ( read as - finally get laid) ) first thing in the morning ?!
The fact that the horoscopes are placed in the same page as the funnies escapes most people!!

Tarot card readers have it much easier , they can at least play a game of solitaire or five card draw poker with their fellow tarot card readers while waiting for clients. and if there were psychic then they could play between cities. though there would be no point in playing cos , they would know who would win in the end. so i am guessing each player draws his own cards and on finding who would triumph at the end, hand over all the money to him, thus setting a speed record for the fastest marathon session of poker ever played.
lady gaga can keep her poker face.

so lemme give you a scenario. alright? you pick a card , and it turns out to be a morbid looking grim reaper with a sardonic grin on its face (skull) , it scares the beejeezeess out of you !!! it looks like death, feels like death and in case u had any doubt it says in bold Gothic font "DEATH".
 your head swims with images of crying relatives, serious looking friends , laughing neighbor (that bastard!!) and the pretty girl across the street who does not acknowledge your existence ( but for whom u had the hots for since u discovered the science of birds and bees) crying inconsolably at your funeral. your eyes well up with self pity , you bite your lip at how unjust it is for the untimely demise of a bright young soul, just when you have given up all hope and are making a mental evaluation of all your worldly belongings(that hyena of a neighbor gets your unwashed jockeys), the tarot card reader rudely interrupts your personal mourning to inform you that , "death is a good card to draw!! it means the ending of a cycle, a transition into a new state, a psychological transformation !!!"
You stopped listening after ending of a cycle...... the gloomy room suddenly brightens up, the once sinister looking reader starts looking more and more angelic by the minute.you feel euphoric and light headed, you nod profusely to everything the reader tells you and hand over how much ever pieces of silver the reader demands and step out into the world a reborn man with new found faith in tarot cards.

That folks is the tried and tested method of " SHOCK and AWE!!" ..... shock them out of their comfort zone and then hit them with all that they wanted to hear..... simpler to buy a magic 9 ball don't you think ?

though if you step out of the tarot card readers office and get run over by a bus!!.... thats FATE!

(cartoon by yours truly) 

These Boots Were Made For Walking....

If you are reading this, then i am going to presume that u have not heeded my warning and have chosen to continue torturing your self.
though i must admit reading the blog is much safer than actually having to hear me out, so if you are overcome with a blinding rage caused by frustation after reading this then i suggest the following simple steps to regain your composure.

1) open the closest window.
2) fling your laptop out of it.
3) take a deep breath and count to ten.
4) take a brisk walk to the closest Internet cafe and order a new laptop on eBay.

some people might also recommend tai chi , but i strongly advise against it cos i don't want you falling asleep while going about its painfully slow and exaggeratedly freeze frame motions and falling on your posterior. watching people doing tai chi is like watching people taking a bath in ultra slow mo . so can't have you folks doing bodily harm to yourself when i could derive the satisfaction of being one inflicting it.


yes now getting back to my title. "These boots were made for walkin" crooned by miss Jessica Simpson, who introduced  miss Nancy Sinatra to the concept of imitation being the best form of flattery, by lifting her song verbatim. thankfully though miss Simpson was inspired only by the lyrics and not by miss Sinatra's dressing of the 60's and made the song and boots her own.

why am i going on and on about boots, you ask me ? i'll tell you why. these boots may have been made for walking but were never sold in the united states!!! cos NOBODY WALKS HERE!!!

NOW I know why people make a big hoo haa of babies taking their first steps, its a very short phase after that they just jump into cars and drive away !!! off course people walk here , but if u pay close attention, u will infer that they are either walking towards or away from a car.

why walk you ask? why not i ask. the place is beautiful, lush green rolling hills with twisty windy roads, the air is clean. though the main reason being i haven't passed my wife's driving test yet :) .

the only ones whom i share the footpath with (if i find one that is,i have had to use google maps to search them out ) seem to be the homeless or raccoons  i decided to walk on a jogging trail but soon got tired of people vaulting over me, after fifteen minutes of being treated as a mobile steeple chase hurdle i finally gave up and crawled my way back home through the bushes and drains.

if i were to tell my wife "i am going to go and wrestle a bear with my bare hands luv!!!" she would casually say " sure honey, will you please buy some cilantro on your way home please! ". but if i were to say " i am gonna walk home from the library luv! ", i would send the poor girl into a panic and have her visiting the temple to pray for my safe return. because she is scared i would Look left when i should be looking right (pun unintended) and find myself splattered across somebodies windshield like a bug on a highway. kind of reminds me of the traffic sign i saw in India which read " if everything is coming your way, you are in the wrong lane". touche'
 
don't get me started with the signal thingamgic at pedestrian crossing, you punch it and you wait.... nothing happens then an element of doubt creeps in if u used the right amount of pressure, so you punch it again and then three more times for added measures, finally the cross the road signal lights up... and lo behold it is not green but  hyperspace silver, the first time i saw one i did a double take and looked at the drivers half expecting them to cheerily wave me along.
A week in, i have finally figured it out, in America "pedestrian is king".... "pedestrians have right of way" but on the downside, as you are the king, they don't expect you to walk (royalties don't walk they glide along in horse driven carriages).

i dread to think of what would happen to good 'ol Archimedes if he were to run on the streets here in his birthday suit shouting EUREKA......EUREKA!!!. he would be promptly run over by a few cars a station wagon and a prius . then he would have two charges of indecent exposure slapped on him and one charge of obstructing traffic, he would find him self in jail faster than he could say buoyancy, where i  believe there are no bath tubs and dropping of the soap can be injurious to ones posterior.

if you still haven't decided to quit reading this blog , here's something that might help seal the deal.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYj9-96HYPk

Megadeath in their not so finest !!! :O

(pictures politely stolen from wikipedia.) 

The Story This Far.................

So here I am , in the land of milk and honey, unfortunately for me I am lactose intolerant , I am not referring to the medical condition, I am just referring to my habit of not drinking milk. Before I ramble on my views on bees and their products, lemme start from the beginning.

There I stood in the immigration line at the Delhi airport, waiting for a grim faced middle aged man to stamp a “good bye, will u come again” seal on my passport. I handed my immigration form and passport, he asked me with a bored expression, “Are u travelling to the United states to board a vessel?”

“No sir I am travelling to the united states to meet my wife!!” replied I in serious earnestness. His somber face broke into huge smile, “then we definitely have to send you there!! “said the good man and stamped my passport with a resounding thump, and waved me along with a friendly wave of his hands and generous nods of approval. I wondered if the crusaders got the same sendoff at the immigration lines?.

I had decided to fly in to the land of Arnold Schwarzenegger with the Germans , as the Britt’s had done a fairly good job of dispatching most of the aircraft's owned by the Luftwaffe 6 decades back I was forced to fly Lufthansa.

Five beers, four sitcoms, three movies, two documentaries and one stop over at Munich later I was safely deposited in San Francisco.

The customs didn't care, the immigration was bored and the sniffer dog wasn't bothered about neither me nor my luggage. So undisturbed and unmolested (so much for all the horror stories of cavity searches) I proceeded to the exit and looked for my wife so I could squeeze her till her eyeballs popped.

The wife breezed in and after a little bit of the husband wife reunion acts of affection whisked me off to the golden gate bridge for a “welcome to California” treat.

So here I am in the land of milk and honey (those of you who are having a sense of déjà vu, I direct your attention to the first line of the blog.)  For the last week and it’s been an interesting journey so far.

This is the exact precise moment where u choose to continue reading or bail out, sell the farm and move to mars ( Venus if you have two X chromosomes) cos this blog will be filled with my raves, rants with melodramatic undertones !! so treat this as a disclaimer, check your horoscope in the paper or call your tarot card reader before you decide to jump into this quicksand of bad grammar worse spellings and atrocious punctuation!!  

                                                             YOU are being WARNED !! ............