Flyp Sided Thoughts!!

The wife was watching an episode of "the vampire diaries " ( not to be confused with the Bridget jones diaries,the only similarity both diaries have is that they are both a pain in the neck{pun intended}) and mentioned "these vampires have such high Fi phones , I have never seen them charge it!!" And suddenly it hit me ...... What's the gig with phones in movies and television. I have never EVER seen a single phone on charge!!. There has never been a single accurate representation of a phone!!!. One scene I have never seen is a character frantically rushing home to charge his phone or for that matter unplugging his phone from a charger on his way out!!.

I seem to see only two kinds of phone these days on television or movies , an iPhone or a flip phone.even Hollywood seems to have forsaken the good old NOKIA.
 I personally owned a flip phone for a very long time , the world moved on and switched to smart phones which could do everything except for lighting a cigarette (they should call them Swiss army phone knives), But I stubbornly stayed true to my beloved flip phone. i have now flipped, i mean switched to an iPhone , thanks to the generosity of the better half.
i have come to realize that owning an iPhone is pretty much the same thing as owning a dog..... you can not leave home without a charger(leash) and as soon as you arrive at your destination, the first thing you do is to find a plug point to charge the phone ( tie up the dog and feed it ), its smart, loyal and in case it is giving you too much trouble switch it off and then on again(chuck the dog out into the backyard) it's as good as new .and if it keeps freezing (falling sick) take it to a tech, ( vet).
after wiping the phone memory clean after a couple of unsuccessful attempts at adding a ring tone via i tunes. i decided to stick to the default ring tones in the phone. this worked out fine till i realized that every time a phone rings or a message is received by a character in the television, i dutifully check my phone.

There is something extremely melodramatic about the operation of a flip phone , lets take a tense scene in a movie, the scene is in a deserted shipyard , there is an eerie silence hanging in the air interrupted only by the squawking of sea gulls, there are two people framed by the graying sky, one of them is lying bruised and battered and the other protagonist is holding a gun with professional nonchalance to his head(not to his own head you fools). A phone rings , the gunman extracts a phone from his clothing with pin point accuracy and effortlessly flips it open , grunts in greeting, has a monosyllabic conversation , flips the phone shut with out as much as a goodbye , fires of the gun and walks away into the sunset.
Ok now if it was you are me in this exact same scenario , this is how the whole thing would have played out..... Lets start from the ringing of the phone shall we , cos in 9 out of 10 cases it would be us lying bruised and battered on the ground staring at the business end of a gun.
 So with out getting too technical lets jump directly to the point where I (us) am the gunman. The phone would ring, I would start groping around with my left hand first, then transfer the gun to my left hand and start frantically stabbing away into various pockets , the phone would continue ringing , getting louder by the minute ( Cos I was stupid enough to choose the ascending mode and also a embarrassing ringtone) finally I would stick the gun between my knees , stand in this weird half crouching half reverse bow legged stance and systematically but frantically start patting all my pockets starting from the top, finally the errant phone would be located,the phone would promptly try to escape when tried to be flipped with one hand and after a unimpressive desperate juggling session with one hand the slippery phone would finally be coerced to remain still, opened with both hands, and answered with a desperate sounding "hulloo".... This would be the proceeding conversation - "sorry!! Sorry couldn't find the phone .....hello? hullo?? can you hear me?? ....... yes yes i can hear you,can you hear me?............ damn network is bad.... sorry come again........ suit him? ...... loot him???.....ohhh!! shoot him !! ok ok i got it....S as in Singapore,  shoot him.... ok i'll call you back........ yes i do have a gun.......... off course it is loaded!!!......... yes yes the safety is off...... hang up goddamnit so i can shoot him now....... NO NO i am not going to hang him!!! i am asking you to hang up so i can shoot him.... bye........ yes bye...... you want what???!!!......sighh.... regular or non fat?........"

it is most definitely asking for too much off the gentleman to patiently lie still while this conversation goes on, if he hadn't already scooted like a rabbit while i was looking for the phone , he would most definitely propel himself like a human battering ram and knock me off my feet while i am walking around in errant circles trying to get a better signal,with a finger stuck in my other ear . it would definitely not be me walking into the sunset.

lesson learnt so far....... use a hands free for gods sake, flip phones are not best used when palms are sweaty!!! either that or use a carrier pigeon.

Sony Ericsson Z550i

i miss my flip phone though, a sony ericsson Z550i . it was of the generation when the phones weren't smarter than its owners. where all forms of problems were solved by simply removing the battery and putting it back. they came from a generation where phones weren't feather light , they stayed in your pockets as snug as a brick would feel in your pocket, so you would know exactly where your phone was. and in case you stepped out feeling light footed and as if the weight of the world wasn't on your shoulders anymore, it only means you have forgotten to carry your brick... i mean phone.
but the most important functional use of it was..... if you were attacked by someone you could hurl it at them, and the damn thing could do some serious physical damage such as dent the skull or give the attacker a bleeding nose, distracting them long enough for you make your escape.

but on the flip side (pun unintended) now that i have been bit by the smart phone bug, i don't think i want to go back, that would be like trading a machine gun for a blunt wooden club.
 i like it that my phone is smarter than me, i feel almost cavemanish without it.
 if you were to ask Sashi kapoor today "theree paas kya hai? haaiin ??", he would have replied .............
 "mere pass iPhone hai !! "..........








   

The Best Time Saving Invention Of Today is TOMMORW !!!

Video may have killed the Radio Star...... but Television killed everybody else!!! 

The Creeping Left Foot !!!

(part 2 of a two part blog, i recommend you read the previous blog "driving in indiyeah for dummies" before you read this)

my migration from India to the land of Bush legacy (not to be confused with Bourne legacy) has been something similar to the age old adage " From the frying Pan ,and into the Fire!!! "

I was bold and fearless back home, here...... i am scared shitless!!!!!
I was knight rider and street hawk rolled into one, here..... i am barney from the Flintstones!!

i was prepared for the left hand drive, i was introduced to the concept of the steering wheel on the wrong side of the car on one drunken night in greece, after pulling a all night session of liver bashing, we decided to take a cab back to the ship, after negotiating with the driver i walked to the cab and opened the front passenger side door, only to be greeted with a steering wheel. the cabbie walked up to me , put his hands arms around my shoulder and said " no,no I'll drive, your paying me for it,remember?" and led a very surprised yours truly to the other side.

the wife and me went out for a drive a week back, the weather was beautiful, the streets were empty, she pulled into a secluded  road,stopped the car and looked at me and said the four most beautiful words i wanted to hear " do you wanna drive?" i jumped out of the car,leapfrogged over the hood and was hammering at her door even before she could say "auto transmission".
once i deposited myself behind the wheels, adjusted the car seat and popped the clutch, but all my left feet met was thin air. i stabbed around a few more times and stared at the empty space, did a mental reverse A B C checklist, A- accelerator...B- brake and C- .....??!!?? my jaw dropped, then i remembered she drives an auto. (not an auto rickshaw you fools,an auto transmission). i panicked !! to hide it from her i adjusted my eyebrows in the rear view mirror, and swallowed the urge of screaming " somebody stole your clutch !!!!!!"

after regaining my composure, i took a deep breath and prepared myself to be further shocked at the gear shift department, and was greeted with P, D, N and R. looked simple enough to me. so feeling a lot more confident and having partially regained my uber cool demeanor , i floored the break and reached to the ignition to give the key a tweak. my fingers splayed on the dashboard stupidly.... my lower jaw dropped (again). i was greeted with a smug looking orange start/stop button!!! push buttons are no fun!!! its as satisfying as  firing a cannon with a remote control !!! the hiss of the torch,the fizz of the fuse and finally the KABBOOMMM of the cannon. a car needs to be started with a key, tweaking the key gives one the physical satisfaction of being mechanically involved with the process. i gingerly touched the button and the car purred to life. and i pulled my fingers back very unsatisfied.

the wife gave me a run down on lanes , stop signs and speed limits. so a nervous but happy me slid the gear shift into drive and pulled away from the curb and rolled on down the road, i decided to test the brakes and almost sent my wife through the windshield, i have got to add here that my last car had brakes which needed a 5 seconds notice  period to bring the car to a stop and you have to stand on top of the pedal with every bit of you body weight, so out of force of habit, i did the same and my wife did a very good impersonation of a crash test dummy.

things were going fine, but my left foot, who feeling very left out in the driving process decided to get in on the action and decided to plant itself on the brake pedal, so every time i approached a stop sign the wife would do her impersonation of a crash test dummies, which was a lot more dramatic cos she has long hair and a well developed vocal chords. i had to make a physical effort to extract my creeping left foot away from the brake pedal , but that evil bunch of bones and tendons would creep his way back. it was going to take a lot more than sending brain impulses to the left foot to stop this diabolical creeping, so i made a mental note to self to bring a rope next time and securely tie my left foot to the side rear view mirror.

i thought i was doing a fairly good job of it and was allowing myself a bit of cockiness by driving with one hand, and the wife exclaims " you are too slow " i stare at her with my jaws open (again) and exclaimed " but i am doing 55 mph!!! thats like 90 kmph !!!!" and she says "you are in a 65 mph speed zone, you need to go faster else you are going to get hauled up by the cops".
when my mom was learning to drive a car i used to keep telling her "mom, there is one simple rule to driving - when in doubt,go slow,you can't do any damage when your slow" ..... so much for that rule!!!

then my poor wife , as if she hadn't already had enough with my braking and snail like pace, had to keep reminding me to stay in a single lane, i would yell desperately "but i am in the lane" she would reply "no you are not, your in two lanes at the same time"  i scientifically inferred it as a case of the refraction caused by the curvature of the windscreen but my wife did not share my opinion and said it was caused due to bad driving skills. from the passenger seat of the car, the lanes look like wide parallel lines guiding you, but from the drivers seat they look like two converging lines rushing at you.
I then proceeded to have  my fast attack of claustrophobia between two white lines on a 6 lane wide, open and deserted road.
who ever thought driving in a straight line was going to be so difficult!!!!!!.

i finally gave up, and sheepishly went back to the safe and cosy confines of the passenger seat , while my wife drove at 70 mph, perfectly between lanes checking her facebook,gmail and instagram on her phone every second minute,fiddling with her navigation device and talking all the while looking straight at me, while i stared at her wondrously with my mouth open (again).

mind you i have been driving since i was 17 years old, and a have more than a fair bit of tar time under my belt. but i wasn't prepared for this.
i now have to unlearn 16 years of driving and relearn everything from scratch. !!!

" sweetheart.... what is that thingy near the door?" ...." the hand brake?!!!!!!!!" ............ i give up !!!!!!!!!

Driving In INDiyeah For DUMMIES!!

(This  first started off as an introduction for my main content, but then i got a tad carried away,so i am turning this into a prequel for my next blog)


let me start off with giving you a little background information on how one drives where i am from ,
first you approach the car from the side and never from the back so as to not startle all that horsepower under the hood.  (OK, OK that was a bad joke, give me a break will you, its Monday morning)

The walk towards the car is as important as driving itself, there are two versions of it, both of which you will be thrilled to know, i will touch upon now.

the first approach is the "on-the-way-to-work-outta-my-way-else-recession-will-set-in", in this one has to walk briskly with long strides, never ever run cos then it will be perceived as the "shit-shit-shit-I-am-LATE" approach, so long jaunty steps. a laptop bag slung casually to the point of slipping off,on one shoulder, a bunch of papers in one hand (neatly stacked) the head tilted to one side with a phone wedged between the ear and shoulder.and the other hand snugly in the pocket. always speak in monosyllables.

the next approach is the "worked-hard-will-party-harder-smugly-full-of-myself", in this the stride has to be more of a shuffle, slow and unhurried , both hands snugly tucked away in to the pockets. the head to be held at a cocky angle, pursing of the lips is allowed, but chewing on the lower lip to peal away layers of dry skin is frowned upon.

you can also customize or tweak the approach but provided you retain the salient features of it, my personal signature style being the " BRUCE  LEE NOSE FLICK" before i open the car door. if you don't know what that means then you have never entered the dragon or faced a fist of fury. Hiiyyyaaa !!!

once you have arrived at the car, do a 5 second external inspection of the car, it should look like you know what your are looking for, but in reality check to see if the neighbors dog peed on your tires or a crow was attempting a post modern monochrome work of art on your windshield.
enter the car , adjust the rear view mirror and take a good look at yourself ( please refrain from saying things like "today is my day!!" or "you hunk you!!")

after you have adjusted all three mirrors to face you, so you have a 3D view of yourself (i personally recommend a side profile view its far more flattering). pop the clutch, shift the car into first gear, start up the engine. mind you at this point , keep the clutch pressed and rev up the car to a thundering crescendo of screaming pistons a few times. to the uninitiated this practice may pass off as warming up of the engines, in truth it is just that we drivers love to hear the sound of our engines and when you stay in a tropical climate where it never drops below 30' C warming up of the engine is a moot point. There is also the off chance that one of these days you might manage to startle your neighbor into dropping his pipping hot coffee all over himself with your revving :).

after a satisfying session of sound checks. floor the accelerator and release the clutch, hurling your car into the road, if you hear a SCREECH of tires and a CRASH!, don't bother looking its just one of those slow drivers who you just cut off. the changing of the gears from the 1st to the 5th is left to ones personal choice which could vary from "need for speed" style to "driving miss daisy" style.

when approaching a intersection feel free to use either of the indicators in any direction, the indicator need not match the direction of the turn,cos nobody is watching your indicators they are all to busy trying very hard not to run over any pedestrians and trying even harder not to get blindsided by a government bus.
one IMPORTANT tip here would definitely be ..." in case the car in front of you suddenly vanishes out of sight, do not panic (irrespective of what you saw on X-Files) do not panic, slow down, turn sharply in either direction and drive past the sink hole masquerading as a pot hole"

 For personal convenience don't be too bothered by LANE DISCIPLINE ,lanes are painted on the roads so you can use it as a scale of measurement when you are trying to judge if you can squeeze in between two buses or three auto rickshaws.
 do not be surprised if somebody decides to take a U-turn from the left extreme lane of the road from under your nose, don't let this upset you, simply stand on your brake which is sure to cause to a chain reaction of breaks in the vehicles behind you, let him pass and politely wish him a pleasant stay in hell.

NEVER ever TALK ON THE PHONE while driving, cos it will distract you from yelling at other drivers,pedestrians and auto rickshaw drivers. which is an integral part of driving on Indian roads. A drive on Indian roads is incomplete if you haven't questioned the parentage of a few fellow motorists and had a few similar query's thrust on you, accompanied with musical cacophony of your horn
 ( paaan...paaan...paaaaaaaaaaaaaannn!! being the popular melody).

ALWAYS LOOK INTO THE REAR VIEW MIRRORS while making a turn, cos the change in direction of the car might change the wind direction thus upsetting your hair style.

speed limit you ask ? whats that? i ask in return, it can range anywhere between -15 kmph to 130 kmph depending on whether your choice of transportation is a auto rickshaw or a shiny new Merc. the speed limts are only a technicality not to be taken too seriously.
so basically what you have learnt so far is to drive like your father owns the road.

oohhh how i miss the chaos and madness of it all !!!  siiighhhhhhhhh !!
 there was so much order in all that chaos, it was like, bad drivers of the world unite' !! it was the Utopia for bad drivers !! I belong there..... sighhhhhhh.


PS- you will notice that i haven't touched upon the subject of two wheeler's(deep breaths, deep breaths), they are a necessary evil, like snakes , locusts , house flies and ..... wait a minute !!! none of them are necessary,......they are all pure EVIL!!!damn those 2 wheeled menaces !!!